I scribbled out the truth with your lies.

THIS WON'T WORK IF YOU'RE LYING.
I try to help you so much, just so you can be happy. And when you lie to me, it really hurts. Don't try to reassure me that things will be okay, that you're gonna be okay. Because you're not. I can feel this, and its not making me happy. Don't try to make me feel better, because its not going to work. How many days have gone by and I picked you up and brushed you off? How many days have gone by when my words have meant one thing or another? I really want to know what's going on. One day, you want rain, the next you want sun. I can't keep up. You just send me so many mixed signals, I don't know how to react to you. I never want to hurt you, I never want to make you angry, or sad. I want what's best for you, but if you keep changing your mind, I won't know how to do it. I've watched over you for longer than you know. Why, do you ask? Hell if I know.

Hell if I know anything about you. Hell if you WANT me to know anything. Just tell the truth.

~Jem

[p.s: this isn't to who you think it is]

Giant peaches, scary leeches.

I swear, I am bipolar. Just a few seconds ago, I was happy and doing fine. Now, I'm nostalgic and feeling bad about what I've done. The reason for so many attitude changes are so unexplainable. The words are there in my head, they just can't seem to find their way out of my mouth. So next time my eyes pool up, or I'm lost for words, I honestly can't tell you why.

Maybe I'm lying to you. Maybe I'm just hiding this big secret from everyone and I keep writing about it because its eating up my insides and telling my conscious to spill it to the world. Who knows. Maybe I'm just insane, and suffering from my disorders.

You know what, maybe this world is a lie. Maybe reality is all fantasy, and fantasy is all reality. Maybe cars, and airplanes are all fake. Then dragons, and castles and wizards would all be real. You're all living in a fake world anyway, why not make more assumptions about things you don't even know about. Because I know for sure, that we do it all the time. We judge things so quickly, because we don't know how to take the time and actually look at things. No one WANTS to take the time to actually look at things and think about how they work. I do, sometimes. I get lost in my own thoughts. I wonder how people get the materials so big so airplanes can fly. I wonder about the anatomy of leaves I wonder about the smallest things that probably nobody even notices in a day. I like to try and analyze human behavior, so I know how to help people when they ask for it. I swear, I'm not meant to be in this generation. This violent, materialistic, careless, rude, period of time. This isn't even a period! Nor an era! This is... STUPID. Everyone's stupid for not caring.

Yes, there are some inspirational people out there. Like Jaime, one of the founders for To Write Love On Her Arms. Like the people working together at PETA. All these non-profit organizations. You know what, even those real musicians out there. Not those fake sell-outs who just wanted to be on the cover of AP. Those real people trying to share their music, because they feel that people will like it. But again, this comes back to the judging thing. If people go to concerts for one band, they will most likely not pay attention to the opening bands. I remember my first concert, Evanescence. The only opening band I remember was Default, and I got one of their guitar picks. No one really knew who they were, everyone was just waiting for Ben Moody and Amy Lee. Where have all the good people gone? Oh, that's right. They can't be anywhere because they're not recognized for their talent. The people here now only want fame and money. Sure, that sounds great, but what about the people who actually want music?

I'M ANGRY, CAN YOU TELL? I hate this about myself. I have all these opinions that just come out of nowhere, and then in the next hour I'm just like "oh, let's have some tea and chocolate! :D" Its disgusting. I hate my behavior. I hate that my friends have to experience it, and I hate that my teachers have to deal with it.

Rrrrrrrrrr, everything that I've already repressed today is coming back up like thought vomit. Its really pissing me off, and I have no other way to let out my steam then to write it down. So whatever, if you're reading this, I hope this doesn't give you a bad message. I just have too much to say to some people, but I can't or it would derail my life.

I think I should go read now.

~Jem

I will never let you down.

YOU. ARE. NOT. LEAVING. ME.
No matter how many times you may use that thing called altruism, you are not going anywhere. You are staying in my life because I need you. It doesn't even have to be like how we wanted it. I need you. As my friend. It doesn't have to be in a situation where its awkward when we converse. I told you that wouldn't happen. If you went inside my head, you'd know.

"You're a fool!"
"I am...but do you love me?"

From Sunday, to Tuesday afternoon of this week, were really some of the best days I've had in my life. From Tuesday night, until who knows when, are some of the worst days I've had in my life. I really don't understand how things could change so quickly. There's many things I don't understand, because this world doesn't make sense. For example, the english language. There's all these little rules that you might use on one or two words. The only thing that really make sense right now are babies. Babies are born for the cause of human reproduction. So life can continue. Everyone was once a baby. Even me. Even the most wisest person in the world. Its just common knowledge. Babies make the most sense, for me.

I hate how the past two days mock me. On the way to school yesterday, it was raining, and I felt as if my mouth was sewn shut. I was wishing for the sun, but the rain just kept coming down. As ironic as it sounds, the next few street names that I pass by everyday, that I just have seen now, were all relating to happiness and warmth. "Summer heights" was the one that bugged me most.
Today, I kept waking up to the sound of rain hitting the sidewalk really hard. It just kept pouring and pouring. Yet again today, I can't speak. Its as if some lifeless form took over me. There's no purpose to be happy right now.

Yes, its Thanksgiving. I thank God every night for the things I'm thankful for, and I'll do it again tonight. There really isn't a change. The only thing different about today is that I'm having more American food for dinner tonight. I won't watch football, and I won't dress in brown. Nothing's different.

What a wonderful addition to my day. I just found out that Phantom Planet it on hiatus as a band. I loved them now more than ever, and was planning to see them one more time before the year ended. But, they've been together for fifteen years. Darren said they needed a break. My Alex is twenty-nine years old. I didn't know that. My Alex. My Alex that I plan to play guitar hero with and drink orange juice with. Darn. This totally tops off today.

The truth is. After yesterday, rain is now one of my enemies. From now on, it'll symbolize Tuesday night. That night-marish reality. Next time you speak to me, I'll be lifeless.

~Jem

So much to say. [:

Aghh, I feel greedy. There's so many things I want right now, and half of the things I want aren't even that important. But I can't stay the same at the moment, I want to have a variety of choices to choose from each day. I can't just keep wearing the same old chucks with the same old hair. ]: That made me sad. I miss my old hair from April-July. D; This girl to the left of my writing is really inspirational, and beautiful. :D And I want her bag. [x She started Breaking Dawn. :D I wonder what team she's on. I'm really hoping Switzerland. (:
So today, me and Taime wore our Ramones t-shirts together without even planning it. :D I remember when me and Seejay did that a long time ago. The good old seventh grade. *sigh* The good days. But not really. Because I wasn't close to the other people, like I am now. (x Man, I remember this one time in science, when I didn't really know Alexis, but she came over to sit by me while we were watching a movie, and pulled out some legos and made a spaceship. xD She's so cool, it beats cereal. And I like cereal. Alot. (: Agghh, its only 6:41, but it feels like its already nine. xD That's my doing. Its too dark outside to be six! xP I want red glasses. One, because dear Brother has them. Two, because Jannellynn has them. And three because they're bomb. :D

I always wondered what it was like to have facial hair. I mean, does it itch? xD And how about the hair that grows on your neck? Now that's just weird. [x I just like that picture. Two boys, two fake mustaches, and two fingers? Aha. (:
So the other day, I was watching a t.v show oh vh1 about "the 40 dumbest quotes." and my sister was all like "who are these people to just sit around and talk sh*t about everybody?" And it made me realize. So many people[girls especially] are always like "oh, don't be talking smack about me" when really they are influenced by it. Secretly. I mean, why can't we have a t.v show where people talk about how smart people are, and the accomplishments they did? Like why don't they interview some nerdy asian guy who can solve a rubix cube in 10 seconds? Y'know what I'm saying? Instead of speaking badly, why not speak in a good way? My sister can be right sometimes, I can't believe it. -.-

I could probably write down everything that makes me happy. It would be a really long list, but yeah. I don't understand why people feel so accomplished when they make me laugh/smile. My mom was driving me to school this morning, and I saw a license plate that said "feh" and I was laughing alot. My mom was like "I'm glad you get pleasure out of little things." And she started laughing with me because I was screaming out "FEH! BAH! GRR!" and little jazzy noises like that. :D Jazz hands make me happy, yummy foods, mini-things, little puppies who cock their heads when they're confused... I could go on. Just little things. But I bet if you went to some middle-aged gym teacher, they wouldn't find popsicles with happy faces quite amazing. :D (and yes, popsicles with happy faces make me feel good. I have a tank-top with thoes. (: ) If only my face wasn't so... ]:< I guess that's what I look like when I'm emotionless. xD

Twilight. Twilight. Twilight. Twilight. There's some people out there who aren't so great for reading it. They're on like page 8, and they're like "OMGGGG I LOVE TWILIGHT AND EDWARD'S HOTNESS OMG OMG VAMIPRESS AHHHHHHHH" Its quite annoying. Which is gonna make the movie even worse, because the girl playing Bella sounds like a MAN. They already messed up the movie, and I'm half looking forward to it. -.- 1. In the book, Edward stops the van with his shoulder, not his hand. 2.When Bella says "how long have you been seventeen?" and he says "a while" it was while they were driving home from Port Angeles. But in the movie, they were in the forest.
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! I don't know. But I'm glad I read chapter 13 with Andrew last night. (:

Sorry if this is so long, I'm just writing down the things that are on my mind. And what's on my mind isn't really important. Well, maybe the t.v. show thing, and Twilight, but that's probably it. (: I think I'm hungry. There isn't many healthy things at my house, unless its a sandwich. Which I am going to eat, because apparently, Beau doesn't deliver well. >;D
Remind me to finish The Secret Garden, and Wuthering Heights. (:

Farewell, says Raquel.

~Jem

About Me.

Complication is the wind. My happiness is the umbrella.

Right now, I'm listening to "Here Comes The Sun" by The Beatles. Its basically the opposite of what I'm feeling, because that's what I want right now. I want health, cleanliness, wit, loneliness, and freedom. At this moment. But instead, I'm not at school, I feel sluggish and gross, I really feel stupid, and the loneliness I have isn't satisfying me. Its making me feel out of place.

The two words that teenagers use daily are "random" and "awkward." I'm really sick of it. Ugh, I'm so hypocritical. I use those words all the time. I'm selfish too, because I keep talking about myself, and not what's going on. But WHAT EFFING EVER, I can do whatever I want because no one's gonna eat me for it.

On the A-side, I am unique, helpful, "pretty" xP, and caring. I think that's about it. I think I give great advice, and have an amazing ability to write. My music taste is by far better than these little pop-peppy children who don't know how to behave. I am half-talented in the music area. I'd think I'd make a good parent, and 50's-styled families are nice.

On the B-side, I am selfish, hypocritical, judgmental, impolite, greedy, power-hungry. I lie alot, because I care what people think of me- something I shouldn't do. I'm mean to little kids who annoy me, and I whine alot. I tend to complain if I don't get what I want, and I'm secretly vain.

Let's go with Alice to Wonderland. I bet she's having a grand time.
~Jem

What should I finish?

I want a book me tank, even though I am not a dancer. They look comfy, and it would work with any other performing job, right? [:

I noticed that I have the traits of an average teenager. I practically want to live at the mall, my phone vibrates from getting texts like every three seconds, and planning what I'm gonna wear usually takes 15-30 minutes. Sometimes an hour. xD But that's probably just me. I have constant emotion changes, and I cry alot. Like, alot alot. But maybe everything else is different. Such as music taste, or logic, or.. maybe just the interests. I don't know, random things just pop into my head when I'm in the middle of doing something. [:

I write alot. I have like, a whole bunch of stories to finish, and there's only three that I'm really serious about finishing. All the others are just movies in my head that need to be written down. Or just things that I wish could really happen. And some of them I can't even finish, because they're just daydreams, with no plot. So it can't be a real book/story. And I'm gonna get serious about one of them... I just have to choose.
So I'm gonna list them all. (: Not that anyone will actually help me choose... just the fact that I should share what I write. Excerpts will be italic. (:

1st Story: Baby I'm Bad News.
This story is of course, a romance story. Almost all of my stories are. The boy's life is so ordinary, and mediocre. And sometimes, its bad because his father has an alcohol problem. So things are pretty stressed for him. But when a new girl moves into his neighborhood, and attends the same school, life is different for him. There's actually a reason to smile now. (This one switches Point of View every chapter. In the excerpt below, its in the boy's POV.)
After some serious thinking, I went downstairs to grab a snack. Maybe tomorrow would be better. Today, the only memories I had of her was her shy smile, and the way her bangs covered part of her face. I thought to distract myself from her. Girls like that, and things like me, don't happen very often. So algebra and biology took up at least two hours. A literature essay took one more. After I finished all my homework, I shoved a mixed CD into my stereo, and started to doze off. In my dreams, where things make sense. And I disappeared from this boring reality.

2nd Story: I Wouldn't Have Nothing if I didn't have you♥
This story is about a brother and a sister who are only one year apart, but are insanely close to each other. Their father had left them while they were only eleven years old, so they have learned that the number one person they can trust is each other. But when the older brother has to move away for a job, the sister isn't sure she could survive without him. (I don't want to share the names in my stores because its kind of embarrassing. x3 So deal with "him" and "her" :D The excerpt is just the beginning of the story, explaining their similar traits.)
She always drew flowers. Most of the flowers she drew had pale petals, and crimson red edges. The stems were intricately penciled, that you could see the sharpness of the thorn. But she liked making them with an illusion. So people could just stare at her flowers. That she called them, HER flowers. Because no one else had those flowers before.
He liked to draw pianos. He could draw thousands of pianos, and each one would be unique. They'd have a different design, or drawn at a different angle. Sometimes, he drew just the eighty-eight keys, and try to make the black ones POP out at you, so you think you're really in front of a piano. And he succeeded.

3rd Story: Untitled
I wrote this when I was on the phone with Alexis and Andrew. Alexis and I really want to move to Seattle when we're older, and I don't think we can live there without our boys. So I started writing just a short story on how life would be like. We each have our own small, two story house. You could even call it a cottage. But in the story, I describe our living space, and a day of what we do. From the time we wake up, to the time we go to bed. And the way I narrate it, is quite interesting. I'm sort of telling the reader what we're all about. And what we're like. And trying to make he/she feel that way about our interests.
As you walk the paved sidewalks of Olive Way, located in Seattle, you will come across four houses. All of them victorian styled, with steep rooftops and big glass windows on the front sides. They all seem perfectly aligned with each other, and even though the houses are built the same, each one has its own decorations that define its personality.


4th Story: Untitled2
This is about two male friends who start living together because they work at the same place. They buy an apartment together, and they both have siblings. The first male has a little sister who's thirteen years old. The second male has a little brother who's fourteen. The siblings hang out more and more because of the older males who are living together. And even though they are young, they still might have feelings for each other. (x (I haven't started this story yet, only the storyline. So sorry there's no excerpt. D:)

5th Story: Long Live The Car Crash Hearts
Vampires were on my mind as I wrote this. So obviously, the story is about vampires. Four humans died by the same cause, and weirdly in the same week. But really, they have been changed into vampires. Not the stereotypical ones. The ones that walk past you everyday while you marvel at their beauty. (I haven't started this one either. Sorry. D:)

The other story is top-secret, and only few people know about it. There's two authors, and of course I'm one of them. (: But still. Maybe when we finish it, we'll publish it. xD

That's all for now. I feel like sipping tea while reading poetry. Ta-ta. (:

~Jem